Kitty Journal - Day 1

10am:
Mr. Hyde's going crazy. She started whining at me and staring at me this morning 'til I started following her. I tried to take the lead and show her to the room I've got set up as the labor/delivery/recovery room (I know, naive, it's a cat) but she said, "no, I don't like it," and then she meowed until I followed her, and led me to the hall where she jumped into the least accessible level of my storage closet. She huddled on top of the box of Christmas ornaments, butt-end hanging out over the very confusing structure of a folded up WorkMate. When she shifted her delivery end over the branches of a fake miniature Christmas tree complete with miniature ornaments and miniature lights, I finally took action and pulled her out. It just seemed like a bad idea.

aaaaah!! Little <expletive deleted> keeps BITING ME QUIT IT!!!

10:15am:
Ok, writing this is getting difficult because I've been literally RUNNING around the house trying to get some peroxide on my bleeding ankle (two bites so far) and some pants on. I've tried to put enough weird stuff in her box so that it might actually tempt her as an inconvenient and claustrophobic place to birth, but she's still more interested in my flesh, and I still can't stay at the computer long enough to write whole length of a sentence (that took 3 sittings) because she keeps attacking me. Hey!! I'm not the son of a bitch who got you knocked up in the FIRST PLACE CHOMP! OW! <EXPLETIVE DELETED> QUIT IT! Pick on HIM!!!

Man, I thought contractions were nasty for me.

10:30am:
I've managed to put some ointment on my ankle bites, socks on to cover, and a pair of regular jeans (I was looking for the steel mesh lined ones, but they were unfortunately out at the cleaner.) I had to hop all over my bedroom trying to jump into my pants because every time I slowed to a walk, she lunged at me. When I got back downstairs to sit and finish writing this, she bit me on my toe, so now I need to hop and find some sneakers.

Got some shoes on, feel safer. HA! Can't bite through leather. Ooh, HEY! QUIT IT!! Well, she sure can try. Those are some nice teeth marks…

10:45am:
My friend Leisa just came over to help me watch. We're not expecting to do anything, but neither of us have seen the process, and we're, well, you know, interested.

The cat's determined now to deliver on my office floor. I tried the spare bedroom with the cozy blanket-lined box and all the space and privacy she wants, but whenever I started walking out the door she ran after me. So, if I'm going to stay by my computer, she is…

The contractions are getting serious now. Earlier labor pains simply caused her to bite through various parts of my body and clothing, but this one slammed her on her side and rippled through her like a snake-eating-a-pig belly dance.

Mr. Hyde used to be named Peep, because that was sort of the sound she made. Actually, it was closer to a high pitched "Mee(p)." Now she's finishing off the word and just doing the "Ow" part. My laboring cat is saying "ow." I feel for her.

12:00pm:
I will spare the details of the delivery. Two down so far. One black, one a strawberry-blonde. Guinness and Bass. She's either got more in there, or she's got some weird intestinal disorder making her insides twitch. I just don't think she's feeling very motivated to get 'em out quite yet since she's so busy licking nasty stuff off the first two. I'm so happy I'm human. I'm not sure I'd have been up for a helping of placenta after delivery. Oh. Ick. Not in front of me!!! Can't you go someplace else?

The kittens have fluffed up some since they've been cleaned and now look like a cross between miniature ferrets and rats. But, still, they're painfully cute and when the first one opened its mouth and meowed I thought I would die. If I didn't already have the body parts to prove it, I displayed incontrovertible evidence that I'm a girl. In fact, simultaneously, Leisa and I did something I'm having a hard time both explaining and admitting. At that first "meep" we put our hands up and fluttered them about like fairies, scrunching up our faces as we were completely unable to utter the sound of excruciating cuteness. It's really more of a visual thing, and I promise I will never demonstrate it, so you're just going to have to imagine.

3:00pm:
Another blonde!

3:30pm:
Ran out on errands. Returned to find a fourth blonde in the box. That's it. All done.

Details are now getting boring. Mr. Hyde is an excellent mom and no longer psychotic prenatal story-fodder. The kittens are cute and seemingly intact and sucking happily (if endlessly) and I have no more purpose in the world. Sigh. The drama is over. I can go back to work.

Nah.